By Pearl Boshomane for the Sunday Times
Grey: 50 Shades of Grey as Told by Christian
EL James (Random House)
Have you ever watched a bad Nollywood movie? I have.
Aside from predictably silly plots, weird dialogue and horrendous sound, bad Nollywood productions often feature unnecessary shots of people driving, walking, servants opening huge metal gates for dusty 10-year-old 2x4s – scenes that have no impact whatsoever on the plot, and are there just to fill time. It can be quite exhausting watching these scenes, but for some reason you can’t bring yourself to change the channel.
That’s what it’s like reading Grey, the latest blockbuster in EL James’ literary literary pyramid scheme. The book, as you probably know, is a retelling of Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian Grey’s perspective. It’s filled with completely utterly useless and boring passages about Ana eating, Ana’s skin, Christian’s emo-kid thoughts and, of course, passages about Christian’s cock (his words, not mine).
Full disclosure: I was one of the people who contributed to the 100-million-plus sales of James’ Fifty Shades trilogy. I was in a dwindling relationship at the time and was pretty lonely. Fifty Shades was the perfect escape.
Yes, the writing was hideous, but the storyline had me so enthralled it was all I could think about for 10 days. I remember waking up at 3am one morning and my first thought was how I needed to finish whatever book I was on. I read until it was time to get ready for work.
With Grey, then, I was very excited to dive back into my guilty pleasure.
One thing I didn’t expect was just how funny Grey is. Not intentionally. James hasn’t found her inner Nora Ephron or anything. Nope, sorry. Grey is hilarious because the writing is such schlock. Seriously.
In one part of the book, Christian writes that his “body lights up like the Fourth of July”.
In another, he says to Ana (not out loud but in his head): “I’m going to make you come like a freight train, baby”. What? No.
He refers to playing with her nipples as a “lascivious assault”. And Ana gets a biology lesson in the middle of it: “Don’t worry – you expand too,” he tells her.
After finding out she’s a virgin, Christian is shocked that a girl as “beautiful” as Ana hasn’t yet had sex. I understand. How could she possibly be a virgin? We all know only ugly girls are virgins. “How have you avoided sex?” he asks her, as if sex is a person.
At one point he declares: “May God forgive me.” I can relate: May God forgive me for reading this book, and for falling for EL James’ charms the first three times.
- Follow Pearl Boshomane @pearlulla
Book details
- Grey: 50 Shades of Grey as Told by Christian by EL James
EAN: 9781101946343
Find this book with BOOK Finder!
- Grey: 50 Shades of Grey as Told by Christian by EL James
EAN: 9781101946343
Find this book with BOOK Finder!